Dedication: Nicki Minaj and Her Boob Entourage
Nicki. Minaj. Is. Gangster. Last night the twitternet was going nuts over Nicki Minaj’s call to her barbies for pics of their cleavage for autographs. Apparently if you sent her a pic of your tatas and she retweeted it: you were signed for life. Ummmmm…WHATTTT?? Was it sketchy? Yeah. Was it awesome? Hellz yes! Better than the request was the response. Within minutes, boobs were all over twitter as girls begged Nicki to “sign” them. We don’t even know how to address such G but we’re sure that every man on twitter is now a Nicki fan. PSYCH! They already were! Anyway we’re dedicating Michael Bell-Smith’s Chapters 1-12 of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet Synced and Played Simultaneously to you this morning Ms. Minaj. To be clear, we don’t think you’re trapped in any type of sexuality closet, we just haven’t seen anyone have these kind of balls for absurdity since KELLZ! Also, we don’t even know what the hell is going on! Pied Piper Barbie! -Judnick Mayard
Watch the Greatest R Kelly Impression on Late Night TV of All Time
This is perhaps the only R Kelly impression on late night TV, but if you’ve ever seen R Kelly in concert (or even if you haven’t), you’ll know that Aziz Ansari’s impression of Kellz on Jimmy Kimmel is a fine moment of true comedy. (via Rap Radar)
Dedication: Neytiri, Princess of Omaticaya (from Avatar)
We haven’t seen Avatar yet, but we HAVE seen a disproportionate and somewhat disturbing amount of males we know Twittering about how Neytiri, Princess of Omaticaya (aka a completely computer generated character portrayed by Zoe Saldana) is hot. This felt a little weird to us so we asked our friend and co-worker Sam Hockley-Smith (who wasn’t one of the Twitterers), to explain it to us via IM:
it’s wildly uncomfortable because you see her
and you’re like
you are basically a furry
(you know about furrys right?)
but you can also just tell that she is hot
in real life
its really obvious
but then you’re like, wait is she computer animated or an actor
basically what i am getting at is i had a crush on snow white when i was three and its the same thing
To that end, we thought it was only appropriate to dedicate a song by R. Kelly to Neytiri and all of her lovers. Even more appropriate: “SEX PLANET.” Here’s to all the Na’vi makin babies on the planet Pandora.
Lil Jon f. R. Kelly & Claude Kelly, “Miss Chocolate” MP3
It’s not everyday that you hear an anthem for dark skin women, but here come Jon and Kels to the rescue. Not sure who Claude Kelly is or even why Jon yells “Jamie Foxx” at the beginning, but neither Kels seems to mind and far be it from us to take this away from aspiring Bria Myleses.
Download: Lil Jon f. R. Kelly & Claude Kelly, “Miss Chocolate”
Dedication: All We Want for Jay’s Bday is Squashed Beef
We know Hov has beef with Kellz, what with the crazy breakdown on the Best of Both Worlds tour a few years back, but you know, this song is just so gleeful and expresses our sentiments so well, we had to throw it out there. Here’s to the best of ALL decades Jay-Z, hope today you get something you don’t already have and you squash beef with Kellz like Jeezy and Gucci did. Should we dial up DJ Drama?
R. Kelly, “One Day On This Earth”
Late last year, there was a really interesting discussion on the Fader site about a then-sudden wave of house music in R&B. Kells’ “One Day On This Earth” would fit nicely into the songs they used as examples and sounds like it could be a direct extension of Chris Brown’s “Forever.” If attendees of a recent listening session for his upcoming album Untitled are to be believed (a session that Suite903 was way too busy to attend), then the rest of the record pretty much follows suite. We’re not mad at Kelly claiming, “I dropped a tear in the ocean. When you find it, that’s when I’ll stop loving you,” but where is the ensuing 12 Play-esque baby making music?
Download: R. Kelly, “One Day On This Earth”
R. Kelly f. Keri Hilson, “Number One”
Kellz and Keri singing to each other over the radio Brown Sugar proposal style is way less salacious than we were hoping this video would be, but we guess there’s no proper way to illustrate lines like “you’re breakin it down like the chop shop” or “your sex got me gone/went straight to my dong.” (Wait, he says that, right?)
R. Kelly, “I Had A Dream”
The disturbing image above was taken directly from the section of R. Kelly’s website where fans upload their own tributary art work. R. Kelly mixed with Barack Obama is as terrible a thought as it is a vision, but we all have dreams. And this is probably one of Kelly’s more understandable.
Download: R. Kelly, “I Had A Dream”
R. Kelly, “# 1 Fan”
Here’s the thing about autotune: before rappers treated it like an old baseball card to clip to their bicycle spokes, it was used to “level” the voices of R&B singers who really had no business making money from singing anyway. That said, hearing someone like Kelly, who’s musical direction had already taken some very puzzling twists, and who can also sing his braids off, using autotune is like having Kobe say he wants a bulls eye painted on every hoop he shoots on. When keeping it “trill” goes wrong? Hardly, but as dirty as people think Kels already is, opening the gate like this might be exactly what he needs to get back in with his 12 Play fanbase. Also, this reeks of one Mr. Nash. Not complaining. Just saying.
Download: R. Kelly, “# 1 Fan”
